Some parents keep a “swear jar” around and make their children put money in it every time they say a bad word. My parents had a different idea. They had a noun jar. It seemed unfair at the time, but I never would have gotten to the National Charades Championship without their help.

They say you shouldn’t count your chickens before they are hatched, but I’m getting really good at it. I just count to zero, and then smash all the eggs. I’m right every time.

It’s what is on the inside that counts. A kidney, especially, fetches a pretty good price on the black market.

I’ve got half a mind to find the rest of it. Unfortunately, it was the clever half that got away.

When I was in the circus, I was the guy that got shot from the cannon. The complicated part was that this circus was held on a battle ship. In the middle of a war. In retrospect, that wasn’t a very fun circus.