I got plastic surgery to make myself look exactly like my plastic surgeon. Things got really confusing when he held up a mirror to show me how I looked, but only because I held up a second mirror at the exact same time as him. Or did I?

I have a restraining order against Santa Claus. Apparently, anytime someone leaves milk and cookies lying around that fat bastard thinks that he is entitled to them. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if my house weren’t constructed of cookies, with a little milk pond in the backyard. All it took was a few nibbles on a load bearing wall, and just like that, I was living on the streets, begging Girl Scouts for construction materials.

I made a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure flipbook. It’s a little stressful, because you have to make decisions really really fast. It also helps to be an ambidextrous speed reader. The first person who read it was both, and ended up in the hospital for blood loss from paper cuts and multiple stress induced heart attacks. He is out now, but still has really bad arthritis.

I used to run a puppet show teaching kids about the dangers of drug use. It was one of those deals where you crouch behind a little stage and they can only see the sock puppet that you’re operating with your hand. Well one day, this fly started buzzing around my ear and around the stage. I could tell it was distracting the kids. So I used my puppet hand to try to smash the fly, and in the process repeatedly bashed the head of Senor Snortsalot into the stage. One of the kids thought the puppet was having an epileptic seizure and dialed 911 on their cell phone. The police came, and found a baggie of heroin inside one of my puppet heads. That was my last puppet show, but I managed to beat the rap. Senor Snortsalot, however, is currently serving time in a maximum security prison for resisting arrest, assault with a deadly weapon, and wire fraud.